Who wants a cigarette?
It's official: people do not want to watch television shows about television. For whatever reason, while millions upon millions of people like to watch movies and TV, they don't like to watch something
about movies or TV.
It kinda stumps me. "On the Lot" is
in the toilet. Granted, the show is actually terrible. But the multitude of promos made it enticing, what with all the promise of Hollywood magic drama steered by none other than Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett.
But no one watched the premiere even though it came on after "American Idol," and exponentially fewer and fewer people are watching subsequent episodes. Again, the show stinks, but it's not an isolated case.
You have past shows like "Project Greenlight," "Studio 60" and "SportsNight." These were 3 shows that were absolutely brilliant, but nobody watched them, either. And I know I carry bias since these programs are about my business, but they're still captivating and fun to watch. At least "Entourage" is popular.
Unlike your courtroom and hospital dramas, I suppose there's no true element of risk in these shows. I guess "we might not make air!" isn't high enough stakes...which scares me. Basically you're saying that while you may waste away hours of your day watching useless programming, you still acknowledge there are things out there way more important, like doctors who save lives and cops who catch murderers. This scares me. It makes my career essentially meaningless. Which I knew already, I just try not to think about it. So thanks for reminding me. Now I must be like Marlboro, and try even harder to force you to want something you don't even need.
Come to think of it, what are you reading this for? I'm sure there's a Seinfeld rerun on. Get that remote clicking!
Keeping our environment stank-free
While buzz over Holy Spoon is a-brewing, I thought I'd deliver an important hygiene service message, which is something we here at Flush Twice are renown for. Remember you heard about
toilet mist here first.
Detecting the condition of one's own breath has always been an uncertain task. The methods aren't very tried and true. Most people like to go for the "cup your hands in front of your mouth, exhale into it and inhale quickly" method. There's also the lesser known "with your mouth slightly open, push out air with your tongue and mouth muscles and inhale at the same time" (much in the same way that musicians playing wind instruments sustain notes for a long period).
The results are always erratic at best. The worst is thinking you're okay, but in fact, your mouth is really a portal to hell. Small animals and children run away. Priests clutch tightly to their rosaries. But now there's a proven system for not only finding out if you have bad breath, but also gauging its severity. Here's what you do:
1. Lick the back of your hand.
2. Wait about 8 seconds for it to dry a little.
3. Smell your hand. If it smells funny, then so does your breath.
I swear it works. Not only that, but you can set up a scale to rate exactly how offending your mouth musk might be. First, brush your teeth, floss and mouthwash. Then do the lick test. You'll smell nothing. Note this as "1" on your scale of 1-10.
Then, eat something with some real destructive power. Garlic, onion, everything on the oral most-wanted list. Wait about 30 minutes, then do the lick test. Since it'll nearly make you gag, you'll have no problem remembering this as a "10" on the scale.
There you go. Now you'll be able to measure anything in between. I ate some slow-cooked peppercorn pork last night (ask me for the recipe, it's delicious), then lick-tested. I had to be a solid 8.
Of course, the other half of the equation is rectifying the issue. For that you're on your own. I'm a huge fan of spearmint myself.
Spoon news
Holy Spoon has already been making the rounds. The missus took it to work Friday and all were amazed. Highly intelligent reader
Ryan suggested shining light off of Holy Spoon to see if it would project the image onto another surface. I experimented with a flashlight, and Holy Spoon did indeed bounce an extremely faint outline of the cross shape onto a wall. Unfortunately due to the extreme light sensitivity involved, no pictures of it came out very well.
The overwhelming consensus is that Holy Spoon should be sold on Ebay. But first we must launch a massive PR campaign to build up the buzz. Start spreading the word folks!
Divine message of the week
It was a lazy night last night and I didn't feel like cooking. The misses had some leftovers from lunch so she heated that up, and I went for some soup from the good people at Campbell's. I reached into the drawer for a spoon and inspected it. Gotta make sure it's clean, right? I noticed a water mark on the bottom, but something made me stop just before I rubbed it off with my thumb.
There was something strange about this water mark. It wasn't just a typical blob-shaped spot. It had a very specific and rigid shape. Once I recognized the shape I was awash with astonishment. See for yourself:
What, can't quite make out the image? Well, here it is again, this time with the flash on:
I have a Holy Spoon! I almost dipped it into a can of vegetable soup (with beef stock)! Luckily my sinner lips never touched it. I don't know what Holy Spoon is all about, or what God is trying to tell me. Eat better? Go to church more? Don't use a teaspoon for soup? He works in mysterious ways, and I am currently mystified.
But my greater concern, of course, is how I can take advantage of this divine windfall. You recall the woman who
made almost $30,000 off her Grilled Cheese Virgin Mary. Surely Holy Spoon has great value. Here's how Holy Spoon compares with Grilled Cheese Virgin Mary ("GCVM"):
-Holy Spoon's image was created with water. GCVM was created with heat (and butter).
-While the shape of a cross may be less complex than the shape of the Blessed Virgin, Holy Spoon's image is very crisp and clear. There is no mistaking it for anything else. GCVM's image is pretty muddled. There's no real way of knowing it's an image of Mary, either. It could some lesser biblical figure, like Ruth. Or it may just be Mama Cass. We don't know.
-Despite its reported anti-aging qualities, GCVM will eventually rot. Archaeologists have found plenty of centuries-old spoons, but never any centuries-old sandwiches. As far as I know, Holy Spoon's stain will never decay. In fact, it may grow stronger if it rusts.
In the coming days I will determine how best to profit from this. Holy Spoon may also need representation for requisite tv appearances, book deals, etc. Let me know what you think, valued reader. And immerse yourself in the warm glow of the Spoon.
